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Things You Should Know

• Get involved in the community to meet more lesbians in your area. For example, visit lesbian bars and attend LGBT events.
• When you meet someone you like, show off your easygoing personality and offer nice compliments as a means of flirting.
• Create a healthy, exciting relationship by focusing on your romantic spark. Schedule regular date nights and have heart to hearts.

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   Date online. Websites and dating apps are extremely popular ways to meet. Come up with a profile that shows off your gorgeous personality, upload some of your favorite pictures of yourself, and get out there! You have so many incredible choices to choose from. These days, you can choose from lesbian only dating apps, or use general apps, but then limit your interests to women.

   • There are tons of popular dating apps out there, all of which allow you to limit your potential matchups to women: Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, eHarmony.
   • Brenda, Lex and Her (which also includes social networking) are LGBTQ hookup/dating apps.

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   Attend LGBT events. If you live in an LGBT-friendly area, search online to find LGBT social events. From pride parades to bar nights to casual social meetups, these events remove the pressure and uncertainty of trying to find other lesbians in straight spaces. Look for them on meetup.com, social networks, or through general search engines.

   • Find a group at a local community center or LGBT center. If you’re in the United States, find nearby community centers in the lgbtcenter.org database.
   • If you’re not out to everyone in your life, consider going to events in a nearby town, where people are less likely to run into you.

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   Spend more time on your favorite social activities. Much as we’d all like to meet someone without having to leave the house, your potential partners won’t cooperate with that plan. Many lesbian couples first meet on a women’s sports team or volunteering at an animal shelter, but you don’t need to limit yourself to these stereotypes. Throw yourself into a social activity or hobby you love, and your enthusiasm will attract people who share your interests.

   • Concerts are another great meeting spot. Look for bands with LGBT musicians or a significant lesbian fan base.

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   Visit a lesbian bar. These aren’t too common anymore, so jump on the chance if there’s still one in your town. Failing that, gay bars are worth a try. Most of them are heavily weighted toward men, but you might find some with a regular lesbian night.

   • Don’t send the wrong signal by bringing your straight male friend to a gay or lesbian bar.^[1]
     

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   Make friends in the community. If you volunteered for one pride event and already met the woman of your dreams, congratulations — you’re luckier than most. For everyone else, take the long term view and form lasting friendships in your local lesbian and bisexual community. The dating pool is not the largest, and you’ll probably see many of the same faces at different events. If you can laugh off a bad first date and sympathize with fellow searchers, you’ll make more contacts and be ready for more opportunities. More importantly, you’ll become part of a supportive community.

   • This also applies to online community on social media websites.

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   Build confidence. It’s normal to be shy when you approach someone you find attractive. Do your best to stay positive and friendly no matter what happens, and you’ll gain confidence with practice. An easygoing attitude makes you more attractive, and makes you feel better as well.

   • A supportive female wingman can help if you need the encouragement. Just don’t act too friendly, or the girl across the room might think you’re a couple.
   • The “is she straight?” guessing game adds an extra challenge to lesbian dating. Making your moves in LGBT spaces can reduce your anxiety, especially when you’re new to the experience.

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   Make eye contact and smile. If you don’t have a ready-made icebreaker, such as a mutual friend to introduce you, this should be your first step. If she holds eye contact for a couple seconds, smiles back, or repeatedly glances in your direction, take it as an invitation to approach.

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   Flirt. You don’t need a pick-up line — just start a light-hearted conversation by asking her where she’s from or what she’s doing at the event. Flirting can be as simple as these three steps:

   • Turn your whole body to face her, smile, and hold eye contact while she speaks.
   • Drop an occasional small compliment (her eyes, her accessories, something she told you about that you find cool).
   • If she’s responding well, brush your hand against her arm, or lean in to whisper something into her ear.

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   Ask her out. Don’t be afraid to strike while the iron is hot. If she’s been talking to you for five or ten minutes and seems happy, there’s a good chance she’s interested. (And frankly, if it turns out she’s straight, you’d rather find out sooner than later.) “I’d love to call you sometime,” “Could I get your number?” or “Do you want to move to that cafe across the street?” are all ways to signal your intentions. If you get her number, call her again after a day or two and arrange your first date.

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   Be yourself. The idea of dating someone is to find out if the two of you are right for each other. Pretending to be something you’re not hinders this process and will likely lead to problems later on. If this is your first time dating a woman, or if you’re unsure of your sexuality, say so. If you’re in the closet with your family, coworkers, or friends, talk about that once it’s clear this relationship could go somewhere. Not everyone is willing to be your experiment, or to be introduced as “just a friend” to your parents. Rough as it is to close the door on a relationship, it will only get more painful if you delay the conversation.

   • Equally, if you’ve been out for years and your date is more private about her identity, talk to her about it. Learn each other’s comfort zones early on.

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   Get to know each other. Talk about your interests, and ask about hers. The first few dates are about forming a connection. Ask her follow-up questions (“How often do you go there?” or “What was that like for you?”) to draw her into extended conversation. If she seems reluctant to talk, switch to a light-hearted topic to make her comfortable.

   • Avoid getting too personal. In the early days, it’s not a good idea to go into any dark histories or personal struggles. Save that for later, when a more lasting commitment is on the table.
   • Never talk about your past relationships on a date. It can be hard to avoid mentioning a name if you’ve been dating a while in a close-knit lesbian community, but that doesn’t mean your date needs to hear about your sex life or emotional bond with another person.

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   Talk about your expectations. Honest communication is the most important part of any relationship. This is even more vital if one or both of you are fairly new to same-sex dating (or dating in general), and may have unclear expectations for social situations. Apparently minor etiquette issues such as who pays for the meal can add unnecessary tension. Relax and have a conversation before assuming it’s a personal insult.

   • Don’t let the butch/femme dynamic set all your expectations (if that even matches your relationship to begin with). You are not reenacting a heterosexual relationship, and you don’t need to assign “the man” and “the woman” roles.
   • Contrary to some stereotypes, open relationships are not common among lesbians.^[2]
     That said, mismatched expectations can jump out of nowhere in any relationship. If exclusivity (or the lack of it) is important to you, discuss it before someone gets hurt.

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   Keep it exciting. If you like where this is going, put in the effort to keep it new. Date nights on exciting activities, heart-to-heart talks, and small, intimate moments are the lifeblood of a relationship. There’s no standard amount of time or number of dates before you bring up the word “girlfriend,” but if you’re both happy and interested, the moment will come.

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• A popular joke in lesbian communities (not always a kind one) references the “U Haul lesbian” that moves in with her girlfriend on the second date. Nowadays, the joke can fall flat: if you live in an LGBT-friendly area, there are enough places to meet and date that people take a more casual approach.^[3]
  So yes, don’t confuse butterflies in your stomach with a lifelong connection — but don’t let people put you down for falling in love, either.

• If you have a friend you think might be into you, ask for advice from mutual friends or from online LGBT forums such as After Ellen. It can be hard to tell friendliness and romantic interest apart, especially if you’re crushing on her or if you’re not sure of her sexuality. Someone less involved in the situation can help you make a smart decision, and evaluate what it could do to the friendship.

• Be careful when dating online. There are people that can badly hurt you out there. But there are also people that are good.

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